I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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