Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
