So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
