The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
