Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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