I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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