the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
