I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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