I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
