so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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