i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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