He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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