I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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