Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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