I'm laying in your front yard are you home
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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