in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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