So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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