census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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