Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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