I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't deserve a penis
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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