she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
