This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
