You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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