its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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