And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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