k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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