So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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