And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When are your genitals available?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
