I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
