I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
