found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
