i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't turn off my feet"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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