I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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