My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
