I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Randomize
