i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
