i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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