My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
