alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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