every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Randomize
