So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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