who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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