she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My vagina is officially offended.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize