9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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