Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
