Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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