Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
