allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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