I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
