Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Four minutes until I can fart!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
