I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
