i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize