They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
