I hate your face
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
