Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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