So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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