Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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