I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Mom said you looked used
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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