One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
