Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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