They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
