i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
